Three Ways to Love Someone Struggling with Infertility During The Holidays
Maybe when you think about the holidays, infertility isn’t the first thing that comes to mind. But if you’re gathered around the table with eight couples, statistics say that at least one of those couples have walked the painful road of infertility and it’s possible that two of those couples have experienced a miscarriage.
Now, I know these topics may feel a bit awkward or heavy for such a happy season, but I assure you that for the ones walking these roads, it may be a silent, all-consuming pain this time of year. So I want to help you know how to best offer love and support.
If you’ll allow it, I’d love to share three ways to love someone struggling with infertility during the holidays.
WATCH YOUR WORDS
This first one is probably the most uncomfortable (and the longest), so I figured we should rip the bandaid off. If someone you know is struggling with infertility during this season, sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. I know this feels especially uncomfortable because if we love someone we want to offer love and support. We have to say something, right?? But what you might not realize is that sometimes our well-meaning words can feel like slapping a bow on heartache.
Please don’t tell them to “just relax.” Even though I know you mean to offer love and encouragement, those well-meaning sentiments usually feel like salt in a wound. You would not tell someone who broke their leg to “just relax” when you see them struggling to carry their dinner plate while hobbling on crutches. Sure, relaxing is helpful and probably much needed, but it is not the primary solution to a medical diagnosis. It honestly can make our loved one feel like this struggle is their fault because they aren’t “relaxing” well enough. I know you don’t mean it like that, so consider avoiding that phrase all together.
Also, please consider avoiding saying things like “it will happen in God’s timing.” Yes, God’s timing is perfect and wonderful but to say that it will happen in His timing is a promise that no one can guarantee. Sure, we should lean hard into His promises, and believe with all of our soul that His timing is perfect, but when we tell someone to “just trust His timing” it implies that they aren’t already desperately trying to rest in that promise every waking moment of their day. Something can be deeply true but not helpful to say at that very moment.
This couple may be struggling with feeling God’s faithfulness (even though we know His faithfulness is not determined by our feelings). Instead, try finding ways to claim His faithfulness to your loved one outside of the topic of infertility. This gently reminds them of that truth without suggesting they are failing at believing it in their circumstances. This can help to put faith and courage into your loved one’s heart, which is what they need more than the sentiment.
Also, this is important…
What I am NOT saying is to ignore the person or their pain. Saying nothing is not the same as pretending something doesn't exist. We can acknowledge someone’s pain without words. Here are a couple things you can do instead:
Give them a big hug (you know, one of those hugs that last a bit longer and says “you mean so much to me” without saying a word). Maybe don’t be the first to let go.
Squeeze their hand during the family prayer - especially when the prayer mentions kids and family
REFRAIN FROM TRYING TO PROVE YOU UNDERSTAND
When someone we love is hurting, it is natural to draw back on our own story of overcoming pain. The hope is that by sharing our past, we can relate to their heartache and offer hope. This comes from such a sweet place but it really can bring more hurt than help. Something unintended happens when we take this approach, it shifts the focus from their pain to yours. I know this isn’t how you mean it, but I want to lovingly challenge you to consider how this approach puts your loved one in a difficult position. When they hear your story, it’s possible they may feel the need to offer sympathy to your past pain. Honestly, they may not have enough of that in the tank to give. Another aspect is that they may begin to feel guilty for their pain, especially if your heartache was for a longer season or had more serious repercussions. What you hope to be encouragement, may land right on the comparison nerve and send a shock of guilt that they shouldn’t feel bad because someone else had it “worse.”
Here is an example, if you saw a family member choking, you wouldn’t try to help them by telling them how you choked once and how you survived. This person needs air and they need it fast! They need their airway cleared, they don’t need to hear your experiene right now - maybe later, but not right now. The truth is, we don’t understand their exact pain. We may have walked a hard road or even a similar road but we have never walked their road. To say we “completely understand” just isn’t true. I know this might feel harsh, but I hope you hear this with a tone of loving admonishment.
Think of hope like the air in my example. When a loved one is in the trenches of infertility, it is like the air (and hope) is being sucked out of their life. If you have read this far, I can only assume you truly want to help and offer support. So instead of sharing your past pain, try my suggestion below.
OFFER A PRIVATE WHISPER OR NOTE
There is a chance that this is a private struggle and the couple has only shared with a select few. You don’t necessarily know who they have shared with so I encourage you to consider how you acknowledge them. The most heartfelt love I ever felt during our infertility struggle was when a dear friend lingered after an event to offer me a big hug and a short, whispered acknowledgment of our pain. She wisely waited to do this until most people had left because my tears rolled quickly. While I hold those specific words dear to my heart, here are a few things you could say:
“I love you” - just keep it simple, you don’t always need to elaborate.
“I see you and I know the holidays are hard”
“It is ok if you’re struggling with joy this holiday”
“I am so sorry you are going through this”
“I know your heart is hurting this holiday, I’m praying for you”
“If this holiday feels hard, I want you to know you are not forgotten”
I encourage you to wisely choose your moment. Consider how you can offer these words in private or even in a short, hand written note that you slip into their hand as you hug goodbye.
This is not all encompassing, but I hope you find these suggestions helpful.
Please know that there is no perfect solution and each loved one may process and handle things differently. There is grace for all of this, so please continue to learn how you can show up for for your loved one (because they need you). Also, if you’ve missed the mark with anything I mentioned above, I encourage you to consider reaching out and letting your loved one know that you’re aware you may have not always offered what they needed but you are actively learning. Just letting them know that you want to learn how to love them better, may be the most supportive thing they hear from you.
After reading all of that, you may still feel a little overwhelmed when you think about saying the right thing, so I want to offer you one last bit of encouragement. If you made it this far, it just proves that your heart truly desires to get this right and love them well, so keep showing up.
